Speaking English


Putt, putt, putt, putt, goes a slow motor boat
Until spluttering it halts in a moat
"Tutt, tutt, oh dear", says a bemused witness
Summing up the scene in its completeness

The boatman yells for help, "Help! Catch this rope!"
The witness remarks "Oh dear! Is there hope?"
As the boat drifts away in the current
He grabs the rope with his arm slightly bent

"Thank you, nearly lost it there for a while"
The boatman says breathless but with a smile
"Are you going to just leave the boat moored here?"
Asks the witness somewhat stern out of fear

Perhaps the boat has something strange to hide
Perhaps it could turn over on its side
Will the police come and take it away?
Will they investigate and ruin the day?

"Do you live around here by any chance?"
The boatman shakes his head and says with nuance
"No, I am on Her Majesty's service
And the boat was carrying an accomplice."

Oh! says the witness, "It's most unusual."
"The circumstance must always seem casual.
You caught the rope jolly well for your age."
"How do you know my age? Are you a sage?"

"No", the boatman replies, I am a spy."
"Oh!" says the witness, coy, "I will not pry."
"Well that's all right. My name is Bond, James Bond."
"Oh!" says the witness, "But you are all blonde."

"I am the sixth 007, My raincoat?"
The boatman says tying up the marooned boat
"Whatever happened to the accomplice?"
"He cheated on us out of sheer malice."

"Where did he go? Has he got a new job?"
"He kicked the motor, calling me a yob."
"He swam ashore and disappeared from view,"
The witness sighs, "And my suspicion grew."

"Cut! That's perfect. You've got him puzzled now.!
We just have to take a shot of the bow
To show the hidden digital camera.
Could someone please go and call Dame Deborah?"

"Imbecile! I am already right here."
Dame Deborah had a way of creating fear
By speaking English with a certain flair
Sounding like she'd go where the eagles dare

Splash, Splosh, the key grip wades towards the boat
To take the camera being lowered down to float
To take a close shot as the waters flow
Of a rubber glove coming out real slow

While the mysterious hand steals the pictures
Dame Deborah prepares for Juliet Allures
A mature seductress who still has charms
To make tough secret agents crave her arms

"If only we were shooting in Hong Kong,
I'd get a rubdown by the masseuse Fong.
I've never kissed Conrad before, have you?"
"No Madam", says Claudia, "I'm with the crew."

In the tenth scene James and Juliet make love
With Juliet pushing hard on James from above
Inside their plush hotel suite fit for kings
While outside a small group of Minstrels sings

	We are the children good and pure
	Start a game and we would for sure
	Play along for a while with you
	Until the next train comes through

In the next scene Juliet meets the witness
"Would you by any chance have his address?"
"For whose address would you be enquiring?"
"Oh Bond, James Bond, I have found out something."

"What?" Juliet retorts somewhat disinterested
"I must tell him that he may be arrested."
"Who exactly may be arrested..., not James?
The witness looking aghast, "What strange games!"

The close up on the hand over the mouth
Then a Jaguar speeding off heading south
With Juliet kidnapped lying unconscious
As a bystander says, "Goodness gracious!"

"Cut! Cut!" that'll do for today. I'm hungry.
I don't want the great dame to get angry.
Get the rushes ready before she wakes
In case tomorrow she asks for new takes."

"Do we really need to see the buttocks?
Get me a glass of whiskey on the rocks!"
Dame Deborah knows well how to be candid
If only to avoid what is sordid

Mike Bell replies, "We need more realism."
Dame Deborah adds, "It's cheap eroticism!"
"What is the attraction here anyway,"
A nice arse or the essential cliché?"

"Dame Deborah, this costs an arm and a leg."
"Yes Mike, my arm and my leg, go and beg!"
Mike wanted to beg to touch them just once
But he knew he would seem a blasted dunce


James Bond movies are about good and evil
The fight between the saviour and the weavel
If the premise seems a wee bit childish
It's just the way they are speaking English

Lucignano 29 3 2007